


Pizza Cryptid Extraordinaire

by DumbestofAsses, Goat_Guy, LeeforLee, rubenel, ViviCatLover



Series: DSMP Bande AU [1]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack Treated Seriously, Dream SMP Band AU, Gen, ranboo is... something, real names are not used bc this is based on their characters, tommy's goal is to fight god and win, why are there two identical tags for jschlatt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 02:01:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28680750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DumbestofAsses/pseuds/DumbestofAsses, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Goat_Guy/pseuds/Goat_Guy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeeforLee/pseuds/LeeforLee, https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubenel/pseuds/rubenel, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ViviCatLover/pseuds/ViviCatLover
Summary: Tommy starts dopplering when God drops, catches a ledge, drops again, and lands on a balcony.
Series: DSMP Bande AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2102193
Comments: 12
Kudos: 109





	Pizza Cryptid Extraordinaire

**Author's Note:**

> when u make an entire new au with some friends after 2 days and a single gc. pog noise

One time, late at night, Tommy sneezed.

Now, this was not a particularly special, or even rare occurrence for Tommy.

Tommy only remembered it for two reasons:

  1. It was extraordinarily violent, and
  2. Something distinctly roof-ward had told him “Bless you.”



Tommy’s reaction was… a bit unorthodox, he admits. 

“GOD?!” Tommy shrieked up at the sky without a single fucking regret.

He got no response.

Fucking typical of God, isn’t it, to not follow things through completely, you might think.

The thing is.

_That wasn’t the end of Tommy’s encounters with God_.

Far from it.

  
  
  


The next one takes place in a Denny’s parking lot.

_...Yeah, not his best move._

To be fair to himself, at the time, Tommy was an absolute wreck. He was so angry he couldn’t think straight, Wilbur had gotten into an argument with Techno about some guy named “Schlatt” again, and the Pizza Delivery Guy wasn’t here after twenty five minutes.

Nevermind that it was a forty minute long drive. They had a “thirty minute delivery or it’s free” deal, and potential free pizza made it worth waiting for. Or so he’d thought initially.

The actual act of waiting for twenty five minutes in a cold parking lot at arse’o’clock in the morning, he argues, would have made anyone run out of patience.

So, when some dude comes out of nowhere and shoulder checks him, Tommy’s already been out for blood for a good ten minutes.

Sue him! Tommy wasn’t going to take that kind of disrespect lying down! (Well, he was actually already standing, but you know what he meant.)

Tommy’s not as all ashamed to admit he lost his shit.

And then promptly got said shit beaten out of him.

And the dude didn’t say a word the whole time!

It’s only when he drags himself to his feet and finds the discarded pizza box that he realizes that dude? Was also the pizza delivery guy.

_Fuuuuck. Tommy’s never gonna get Pizza Planet again._

He proves himself wrong a week later when he gives in, calls the Pizza Planet by his dad’s place, and discovers he _wasn’t_ banned for life.

Tommy’s gotta find this dude. He’s a homie.

A homie that can kick his arse, too.

  
  


Even with Tommy’s renewed enthusiasm, it takes over a week for him to spot the Pizza Dude in the wild.

And that’s a very deliberate choice of words, because what else are you supposed to call a man running flat out with two pizza boxes balanced on each hand and climbing a fire escape. Seeing _that_ had activated Tommy’s lizard brain. 

By the time Tommy’s brain thawed, he was long gone.

“Fuck, shit, goddamn it,” Tommy spat as he stomped his way home. 

“Bitchass fucking motherfucker,” He continued, slamming the door shut behind him.

...

“What?” Tommy asked the suspiciously quiet house.

“So… what happened this time?” Phil replied from the unseen kitchen.

“Nevermind that, is that _road rash_?!” Wilbur cried out, advancing on Tommy’s person from the direction of the couch, first aid kit in hand. “What were you doing that got you road rash?!”

“ _Road rash?”_ Techno’s deep voice came from upstairs. 

Tommy groaned, fending off Wilbur’s concern with a, “I’m fine!” that, guessing by his expression, did not pass muster.

Phil came out of the kitchen to watch as Wilbur gently wrestled Tommy onto the couch. “It’s just a little scrape!” He protested. Wilbur kept stubbornly smearing antiseptic onto his face. “I’m a big man, I’ll be fine!”

“You’re not!” Techno crowed from upstairs. 

“Yes I am!” Tommy shrieked shrilly. 

Wilbur taped down the bandage and finally let him get off the couch. “Fuck you!!!” Tommy yelled, retreating to his room. The bandage remained intact for the rest of the night.

  
  


The next night, he was out again, tracking down the pizza fucker. 

This time, he actually manages to find him. He has to outsource to Pizza Planet and find out who he’s delivering to, but other than that, Tommy manages it all on his own!

Tommy doesn’t know what it is about pizza fucker that just gets his blood boiling. He sees that hair and he’s just off. 

Tommy’s first punch gets parried one-handed, and the dude just keeps running.

Tommy runs after him and screeches, “COME BACK HERE COWARD!”

Pizza guy just looks over his shoulder at him and speeds up.

Tommy goes for a flying kick.

Pizza guy- _catches it?!_

Now pizza guy is going backwards while Tommy hops after him, down a leg, his reputation, and his dignity. 

He could detach his leg to escape, Tommy thinks, but that also means giving up.

_Hell no._

If Pizza Guy was gonna limit Tommy to one functional leg, then so would Tommy!

Tommy let his leg go limp, lunged for the dude’s right leg and-

_SUCCEEDS_ in latching on!

The ride is bumpy, but oh so worth it.

“This is taking way too long,” And Tommy _recognizes_ that voice from somewhere, as the dude lets his prosthetic join him around his leg.

“ _GOD?!_ ” Tommy screeches, and God nearly trips.  
  


Which does not feel good for Tommy _at all_ , thank you, so he thumps God Himself on His thigh. 

“Stop that.” God commands him, mid-stride, and Tommy, for once, actually listens.

Not that it stops him from screaming when God starts going what feels like straight up the side of a building and then _jumps_ off it to another. 

It earns him a slight whack on the head, but otherwise, God doesn’t respond.

Tommy starts dopplering when God drops, catches a ledge, drops again, and lands on a balcony. 

Tommy falls off God’s leg, body stiffened with fear.

God just glances as him, takes another step, and knocks on the balcony door.

Through the plastic, draped in shadows, a man approaches, shot glass in hand.

He looks vaguely familiar.

The man stares, downs the shot in one smooth motion, and opens the door.

“I’m not even drunk yet.” He states to an uncaring God. “Why are you here?”

God hands him his pizza.

The man stares at it.

“What’s this?”

“Your pizza, sir.”

“Oh. I forgot about that.” The man makes a frustrated noise, and starts digging in his pockets. He pulls out two twenties and flicks them at God.

God catches them out of the air, and folds them neatly.

“Now leave.” The man says, eyes dead in their sockets, face pained. 

God shrugs, steps over Tommy, and drops off the balcony.

“You okay?” The question is addressed to Tommy, still frozen on the floor.

He keens quietly. 

“Yeah, you’re not okay.” The man opens the pizza box and takes out a slice.

“I’m Schlatt.” He tells Tommy, puts the slice on his chest, and closes the door. 

Tommy eats it. It’s pepperoni.

Tommy’s tempted to make a T-Shirt. Maybe something like, “I met God and all I got was road rash and a slice of pizza.”

That sounds funny, Tommy thinks distantly.

Tommy passes the fuck out on a stranger’s balcony.

**Author's Note:**

> bros they worked hard on this leave us some feedback. also worms in disguise i know ur there get ur asses in the comment section /j
> 
> -note, physically written by Vivi, all ideas come from my coconspirators.


End file.
